Haifa vive una doble vida. Una como atea, y otra como musulmana. De cara a la sociedad, no se atreve a anunciar de forma pública que ha abandonado el Islam. Por ello lleva una doble vida y vive el ateismo como algo privado y secreto. Haifa, que ahora tiene 25 años, nació y creció en Dinamarca.
25-year-old Haifa lives two lives. One as a Muslim and one as an atheist. She no longer believes in God, but does not dare to leave Islam. This is why she leads a double life, one where she lies about where she is and who she’s with. She tells her story in the hope that someday it will cease to be a taboo to leave Islam.
As told to Lark Cramon
I was born in Denmark. I didn’t attend either nursery or kindergarten, so I started in elementary school without knowing a word of Danish. My classmates were almost all immigrants — maybe there were one or two Danes in my class. When I later switched to an Arabic free school, I only had Arabic classmates, and most of the teachers were Muslims. Twice a week I received Koranic teaching in the local mosque, where I had to learn the Koran by heart, and every time I learned a new verse, my parents gave me a gift. In the Free School teachers said that it had been imposed on them to teach us about evolution and the Big Bang, but told us that we should remember that it was only a theory, and that God obviously had created the earth. I remember that I went home from school and told my mother everything I had learned about the beginning of the world and of man, who in fact had developed from apes. She was furious. “We don’t believe that” she said and made me promise that I would never mention Darwin and the monkeys again. I did not, but I began to read books that had to do with science.
The scarf
Both my parents are extremely conservative and extremely religious. They come from a small town that is heavily Sunni and moved away because of my father’s political engagement. The fact that they practice their religion here in Denmark means that they have maintained their connection to the Middle East. The more they dedicate their lives to the faith, they say, the closer they feel to their home country. My parents assess themselves based, first and foremost, on how good a Muslim I have become. A good Muslim does not believe in evolution and does not question her faith. A good Muslim bases her life on Islam and the Islamic concepts of honor, something the Danes could never understand. I started to feel distant from everything when I began to believe in science and asked questions of the Koran: Is semen really created in the spine? Why is a man’s testimony worth twice that of a woman? Why should women not participate in funerals, and why does the Koran allow men to keep slaves?
All the girls in the class started wearing the headscarf when they turned 12-13 years old. I waited until I was 14. I did not want to wear a headscarf, but thought that I would blend in more with the girls in my class if I put it on. Everyone was so proud of me and said I looked so beautiful, covered up. I stopped wearing tight jeans. Outwardly I looked like someone who was confident in the faith, but inside the doubts remained. I told a friend about all the things I did not understand about Islam, and she gave me a book about the scientific miracles written in the Koran. This is a book that that you give people who doubt the faith. I needed to believe what was written in this, as apostate Muslims are not worth anything where I come from. The fear of hell was sown in me from the time I was quite young because this is where the fallen end up, and every time I wondered about something, it was almost as if Satan were messing around in my head.
When I left home and started my education in another city I allowed these doubts to grow and gave them room to grow. I reread the Koran with a fresh and critical eye, and for the first time in my life I stopped identifying myself as a Muslim.
The secret boyfriend
Rumors spread quickly. People I’ve never even heard of called my dad and asked why he let me leave home without a man, and why he had permitted me to “throw off” the headscarf. That last bit he had a real hard time with, and he didn’t speak to me for weeks. I defended it by saying that it wasn’t written anywhere in the Koran that women had to wear a headscarf. I said that I still believed in God; however, I had, in truth started a long and lonely process. Leaving Islam was not a concept that I knew anything about. No one I personally knew had done this, but I no longer believed in God.
I found a boyfriend who moved in with me, but it was very secret, and no one was allowed to know about this. He also had a Muslim background, and he, like me, didn’t believe in God anymore. We started our life together as atheists. We ate bacon to prove that we were no longer Muslims, I drank alcohol and acquired friends who were gay. My boyfriend’s family were not as devout as mine were, and he chose to tell them that he was an atheist. Meanwhile I still lived a double life. In many ways he was a support, but in other ways our individual experiences were very different. I would not, nor will I ever be able to tell my parents that I have left Islam. Meanwhile he would be able to live life free as an atheist. I began to be extremely careful about how I appeared on Facebook simply because all of my family are my “friends”, and they keep a watchful eye on what I am doing. My family never visit me unannounced, but, if they do, I know that I have two minutes from the time they ring the doorbell until they stand in my apartment. I have two minutes in which to hide all the things they shouldn’t see and/or send the people they shouldn’t see out onto the balcony. I am hyper-vigilant — but even so, one day it almost ended badly.
I never let anybody use my computer, and I am very careful about erasing any digital tracks. But one day an old acquaintance was visiting. She wanted to show me something on the Internet and my computer started up at an English website with an article about Muslim defectors (apostates). I closed the page down and said that I had not read the story, but had just clicked on it, because it was in my Facebook feed. She said nothing, but she subsequently went to my parents and asked if I had left Islam! They dismissed it as pure nonsense. Why would their daughter become an ex-Muslim? Why would anyone leave Islam? The rumors continued in our community, however, and the men demanded that my father “do something”. This meant that he must either disown me or put me in my “place” with violence. I have before seen my father be violent, and I know what he is capable of. So I said that the rumors were false, and that I was still a good Muslim. My father breathed a sigh of relief. Someone was obviously envious of his accomplished and clever daughter, he said.
Life is greater outside of Islam
Last year I was hospitalized with anxiety and depression. I could no longer handle living two different lives, and I had a panic attack. My family were traveling at the time, so they did not know that I had been committed to the psychiatric ward for several months. I just wanted someone to sit and hold my hand and tell me that I was a good person. Twice I tried to take my own life with pills. I know it’s a stupid way to leave life, and I also know that one does not necessarily die, but only succeeds in destroying their liver. But for me it was a way to get away from my thoughts. As a patient all I had to do was to lie in bed and concentrate on getting better. It was simple. Outside life was complicated. There I was a minority within the minority. An immigrant without religion.
In Denmark, there is no forum for ex-Muslims, so I spend a lot of time on a British online community for people who have left Islam. Recently I found another Dane in the forum, who wrote that he had had enough of life. In a private message I asked him to call me. He did and we met a few days later. He told me that he was affiliated with a Muslim congregation in London who all eat, sleep and live under the same roof. Until recently, he had been deeply religious, had worn a long beard, heard no music nor talked to girls. Like me, he then stopped reading those verses of the Koran he found it hard to believe. Today he lives in Denmark and no longer sees his family. They refuse to see him and think that their son is going to burn in hell. He has often considered telling them that he has become religious again, just so he may be allowed to see them. Had we met each other before it might all not have been so difficult. We could have confirmed for each other that life is bigger than Islam. Letting go of the foundation of one’s whole life is an extreme feeling, and when I am alone, I still have doubts and think: Have I made the right decision?
A hard life
I am condemned to this double life. I do not believe in any religion, but cannot say so to my family. When I’m alone, I am an atheist, but it will always be expected that I outwardly act like a good Muslim. I can live without God, but I cannot live without my family, and although I do not believe the words of the Koran, I recognize the important role the concept of honor plays for my parents. I would not be able to convince them that even if I left Islam I could still be a good person and a good daughter. If I came forward with this, people would be ashamed to know my family and everybody would put pressure on my father. The mosque, the family, the neighbors and, if my father did not respond, it would be up to others to ‘act’. Such is their thinking. In their world they would have to make an example of me to show others that what I have done is not okay.
I often dream about moving far away. This life is too hard. It would be very hard to be one of the few who comes forward, but if there were more of us, perhaps some day in the future it might no longer be dangerous to break free of Islam. Until then, I will always be looking over my shoulder and will have to lie about everything. Where I am, what I’m doing and who I’m with. My father has tried to call me these past two days, but I have not picked up the phone.
I did not have a good enough lie ready.
PS Haifa is an invented name. Her real name is known to the editors.
#9 irianx_2 nos conocemos de sobra y se te ha visto manipular entradillas, insultar, ignorar datos y pasar de una postura tolerante de "ay, los pobres musulmanes ateos" a la de "el auténtico musulman es el que mata infieles y viola niñas".
algunos pensamientos desordenados:
- el artículo es bueno, a pesar de que el historial de #0 ya lo conocemos por estar lleno de envíos "poco objetivos". Meneo.
- genial como ha ido mejorando google translate... la traducción automática al inglés es muy buena
- aunque le pese a #0, no parece ser que la situación de esta muchacha se deba específicamente a que sea musulmana, sino que se debe a la religiosidad de su familia. El propio artículo nos habla de que su novio también es abiertamente ex-musulmán y no parece ser que haya tenido problemas. Mismo país, misma ex-religión, diferentes situaciones... así que ruego no empezar a generalizar.
#3 Me llama mucho la atención la respuesta que se da a los apóstatas del Islam. Son gente de enorme valía, que han crecido adoctrinados y que han sido capaces de ser críticos con esa doctrina y de enfrentarse a ello. Pocos son capaces de dar ese paso.
He mandado un par de veces antes testimonios de apóstatas del Islam. En ambos casos, tirado por la patrulla políticamente correcta de meneame. Y he aquí que en este meneo el primer comentario es abiertamente despectivo hacia esta mujer.
Y digo que me llama mucho la atención porque ese supuesto "respeto hacia el inmigrante" se convierte en abierto desprecio cuando este se sale del guión, haciendo cosas como apostatar del Islam. ¿Se busca una inmigración adoctrinada, fanática, pobre, con la que los blancos europeos puedan jugar a ser "caballeros blancos", los social justice warriors que les protejan?. Pareciera eso, ¿que otra razón si no para esa abierta hostilidad hacia aquellos que realmente buscan integrarse?
#4 Ser ateo, incluirá que no te impidan follar con quien quieras por culpa de un dios hijo de puta no ? No se que cojones ves en contra de la mujer... En este caso es una mujer. No queremos igualdad ? Pos que no le impidan follar a nadie con quien uno/a quiera. A mi me da igual si es hombre o mujer... Lo que realmente me importa es que no impidan a la gente follar por culpa de la religión
#4 Es el colmo de la hipocresía que tú, que una y otra vez dices que "todos los musulmanes son iguales, unos asesinos que nos matarán en cuanto alguien de la orden" ahora acuses a los demás de despreciar a los exmusulmanes.
Te he dicho un montón de veces que el camino para acabar con el extremismo islámico es no decir "todos son iguales" sino apoyar a los moderados y a su visión del Islam.
Decidete de una puta vez. O eres un racista-islamófobo que no quiere inmigrantes, o solo te molesta el islam o lo que te molesta son todas las religiones; pero no engañas a nadie acusando a no se sabe quién de despreciar a los ateos.
Comentarios
Hay que joderse. Nosotros pidiendo que la religión se quede en el ámbito privado y que esta mujer tenga que esconderse para poder pensar en libertad.
#11 Medio judío ultaortodoxo elimina a las líderes mundiales de la manifestación por el atentado del Charlie Hebdo [ING]/c37#c-37
Una muestra de tu discurso "el buen musulmán es el que mata infieles".
#12 Obviamente, dado que eso es lo que precogniza su religión. Pero no son esas las palabras que antes me has asignado.
#13 Mira que te pones digno cuando te apetece.
Según tú el "buen musulman" es el que mata infieles.
Ergo, todo musulman debe matar infieles.
Los que no los matan "no son musulmanes".
Así que podemos deducir que todo musulmán mata infieles y que los que predican la paz no son musulmanes.
¿Voy bien?
#14 Al margen de opiniones, ese comentario es una patada a la lógica detras de otra.
Enfín.
Traducción al ingles:
I always have to be ready with a lie
25-year-old Haifa lives two lives. One as a Muslim and one as an atheist. She no longer believes in God, but does not dare to leave Islam. This is why she leads a double life, one where she lies about where she is and who she’s with. She tells her story in the hope that someday it will cease to be a taboo to leave Islam.
As told to Lark Cramon
I was born in Denmark. I didn’t attend either nursery or kindergarten, so I started in elementary school without knowing a word of Danish. My classmates were almost all immigrants — maybe there were one or two Danes in my class. When I later switched to an Arabic free school, I only had Arabic classmates, and most of the teachers were Muslims. Twice a week I received Koranic teaching in the local mosque, where I had to learn the Koran by heart, and every time I learned a new verse, my parents gave me a gift. In the Free School teachers said that it had been imposed on them to teach us about evolution and the Big Bang, but told us that we should remember that it was only a theory, and that God obviously had created the earth. I remember that I went home from school and told my mother everything I had learned about the beginning of the world and of man, who in fact had developed from apes. She was furious. “We don’t believe that” she said and made me promise that I would never mention Darwin and the monkeys again. I did not, but I began to read books that had to do with science.
The scarf
Both my parents are extremely conservative and extremely religious. They come from a small town that is heavily Sunni and moved away because of my father’s political engagement. The fact that they practice their religion here in Denmark means that they have maintained their connection to the Middle East. The more they dedicate their lives to the faith, they say, the closer they feel to their home country. My parents assess themselves based, first and foremost, on how good a Muslim I have become. A good Muslim does not believe in evolution and does not question her faith. A good Muslim bases her life on Islam and the Islamic concepts of honor, something the Danes could never understand. I started to feel distant from everything when I began to believe in science and asked questions of the Koran: Is semen really created in the spine? Why is a man’s testimony worth twice that of a woman? Why should women not participate in funerals, and why does the Koran allow men to keep slaves?
All the girls in the class started wearing the headscarf when they turned 12-13 years old. I waited until I was 14. I did not want to wear a headscarf, but thought that I would blend in more with the girls in my class if I put it on. Everyone was so proud of me and said I looked so beautiful, covered up. I stopped wearing tight jeans. Outwardly I looked like someone who was confident in the faith, but inside the doubts remained. I told a friend about all the things I did not understand about Islam, and she gave me a book about the scientific miracles written in the Koran. This is a book that that you give people who doubt the faith. I needed to believe what was written in this, as apostate Muslims are not worth anything where I come from. The fear of hell was sown in me from the time I was quite young because this is where the fallen end up, and every time I wondered about something, it was almost as if Satan were messing around in my head.
When I left home and started my education in another city I allowed these doubts to grow and gave them room to grow. I reread the Koran with a fresh and critical eye, and for the first time in my life I stopped identifying myself as a Muslim.
The secret boyfriend
Rumors spread quickly. People I’ve never even heard of called my dad and asked why he let me leave home without a man, and why he had permitted me to “throw off” the headscarf. That last bit he had a real hard time with, and he didn’t speak to me for weeks. I defended it by saying that it wasn’t written anywhere in the Koran that women had to wear a headscarf. I said that I still believed in God; however, I had, in truth started a long and lonely process. Leaving Islam was not a concept that I knew anything about. No one I personally knew had done this, but I no longer believed in God.
I found a boyfriend who moved in with me, but it was very secret, and no one was allowed to know about this. He also had a Muslim background, and he, like me, didn’t believe in God anymore. We started our life together as atheists. We ate bacon to prove that we were no longer Muslims, I drank alcohol and acquired friends who were gay. My boyfriend’s family were not as devout as mine were, and he chose to tell them that he was an atheist. Meanwhile I still lived a double life. In many ways he was a support, but in other ways our individual experiences were very different. I would not, nor will I ever be able to tell my parents that I have left Islam. Meanwhile he would be able to live life free as an atheist. I began to be extremely careful about how I appeared on Facebook simply because all of my family are my “friends”, and they keep a watchful eye on what I am doing. My family never visit me unannounced, but, if they do, I know that I have two minutes from the time they ring the doorbell until they stand in my apartment. I have two minutes in which to hide all the things they shouldn’t see and/or send the people they shouldn’t see out onto the balcony. I am hyper-vigilant — but even so, one day it almost ended badly.
I never let anybody use my computer, and I am very careful about erasing any digital tracks. But one day an old acquaintance was visiting. She wanted to show me something on the Internet and my computer started up at an English website with an article about Muslim defectors (apostates). I closed the page down and said that I had not read the story, but had just clicked on it, because it was in my Facebook feed. She said nothing, but she subsequently went to my parents and asked if I had left Islam! They dismissed it as pure nonsense. Why would their daughter become an ex-Muslim? Why would anyone leave Islam? The rumors continued in our community, however, and the men demanded that my father “do something”. This meant that he must either disown me or put me in my “place” with violence. I have before seen my father be violent, and I know what he is capable of. So I said that the rumors were false, and that I was still a good Muslim. My father breathed a sigh of relief. Someone was obviously envious of his accomplished and clever daughter, he said.
Life is greater outside of Islam
Last year I was hospitalized with anxiety and depression. I could no longer handle living two different lives, and I had a panic attack. My family were traveling at the time, so they did not know that I had been committed to the psychiatric ward for several months. I just wanted someone to sit and hold my hand and tell me that I was a good person. Twice I tried to take my own life with pills. I know it’s a stupid way to leave life, and I also know that one does not necessarily die, but only succeeds in destroying their liver. But for me it was a way to get away from my thoughts. As a patient all I had to do was to lie in bed and concentrate on getting better. It was simple. Outside life was complicated. There I was a minority within the minority. An immigrant without religion.
In Denmark, there is no forum for ex-Muslims, so I spend a lot of time on a British online community for people who have left Islam. Recently I found another Dane in the forum, who wrote that he had had enough of life. In a private message I asked him to call me. He did and we met a few days later. He told me that he was affiliated with a Muslim congregation in London who all eat, sleep and live under the same roof. Until recently, he had been deeply religious, had worn a long beard, heard no music nor talked to girls. Like me, he then stopped reading those verses of the Koran he found it hard to believe. Today he lives in Denmark and no longer sees his family. They refuse to see him and think that their son is going to burn in hell. He has often considered telling them that he has become religious again, just so he may be allowed to see them. Had we met each other before it might all not have been so difficult. We could have confirmed for each other that life is bigger than Islam. Letting go of the foundation of one’s whole life is an extreme feeling, and when I am alone, I still have doubts and think: Have I made the right decision?
A hard life
I am condemned to this double life. I do not believe in any religion, but cannot say so to my family. When I’m alone, I am an atheist, but it will always be expected that I outwardly act like a good Muslim. I can live without God, but I cannot live without my family, and although I do not believe the words of the Koran, I recognize the important role the concept of honor plays for my parents. I would not be able to convince them that even if I left Islam I could still be a good person and a good daughter. If I came forward with this, people would be ashamed to know my family and everybody would put pressure on my father. The mosque, the family, the neighbors and, if my father did not respond, it would be up to others to ‘act’. Such is their thinking. In their world they would have to make an example of me to show others that what I have done is not okay.
#1 Continua:
I often dream about moving far away. This life is too hard. It would be very hard to be one of the few who comes forward, but if there were more of us, perhaps some day in the future it might no longer be dangerous to break free of Islam. Until then, I will always be looking over my shoulder and will have to lie about everything. Where I am, what I’m doing and who I’m with. My father has tried to call me these past two days, but I have not picked up the phone.
I did not have a good enough lie ready.
PS Haifa is an invented name. Her real name is known to the editors.
#8 tú, que una y otra vez dices que "todos los musulmanes son iguales, unos asesinos que nos matarán en cuanto alguien de la orden"
¿Puedes citar un comentario, UNO SOLO, donde yo haya dicho eso?
O va a resultar que quien dice eso eres tu.
#9 irianx_2 nos conocemos de sobra y se te ha visto manipular entradillas, insultar, ignorar datos y pasar de una postura tolerante de "ay, los pobres musulmanes ateos" a la de "el auténtico musulman es el que mata infieles y viola niñas".
No esperes diálogo cuando no das más que bronca.
#10 Vamos, que afirmas lo que supuestamente digo (como vuelves a hacer ahora) pero no eres capaz de citar ni un solo comentario donde lo diga.
Quizá el problema está en que eres tu quien lo piensa, y quien lo proyecta en los demás.
algunos pensamientos desordenados:
- el artículo es bueno, a pesar de que el historial de #0 ya lo conocemos por estar lleno de envíos "poco objetivos". Meneo.
- genial como ha ido mejorando google translate... la traducción automática al inglés es muy buena
- aunque le pese a #0, no parece ser que la situación de esta muchacha se deba específicamente a que sea musulmana, sino que se debe a la religiosidad de su familia. El propio artículo nos habla de que su novio también es abiertamente ex-musulmán y no parece ser que haya tenido problemas. Mismo país, misma ex-religión, diferentes situaciones... así que ruego no empezar a generalizar.
- una situación muy similar es contada en este artículo: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-28616115 pista: no habla de ningún país de medio oriente ni de ex-musulmanes
Vamos, que quiere follar con quien le de la gana y hay quien se lo kiere impedir...
#3 Me llama mucho la atención la respuesta que se da a los apóstatas del Islam. Son gente de enorme valía, que han crecido adoctrinados y que han sido capaces de ser críticos con esa doctrina y de enfrentarse a ello. Pocos son capaces de dar ese paso.
He mandado un par de veces antes testimonios de apóstatas del Islam. En ambos casos, tirado por la patrulla políticamente correcta de meneame. Y he aquí que en este meneo el primer comentario es abiertamente despectivo hacia esta mujer.
Y digo que me llama mucho la atención porque ese supuesto "respeto hacia el inmigrante" se convierte en abierto desprecio cuando este se sale del guión, haciendo cosas como apostatar del Islam. ¿Se busca una inmigración adoctrinada, fanática, pobre, con la que los blancos europeos puedan jugar a ser "caballeros blancos", los social justice warriors que les protejan?. Pareciera eso, ¿que otra razón si no para esa abierta hostilidad hacia aquellos que realmente buscan integrarse?
#4 Ser ateo, incluirá que no te impidan follar con quien quieras por culpa de un dios hijo de puta no ? No se que cojones ves en contra de la mujer... En este caso es una mujer. No queremos igualdad ? Pos que no le impidan follar a nadie con quien uno/a quiera. A mi me da igual si es hombre o mujer... Lo que realmente me importa es que no impidan a la gente follar por culpa de la religión
#4 Es el colmo de la hipocresía que tú, que una y otra vez dices que "todos los musulmanes son iguales, unos asesinos que nos matarán en cuanto alguien de la orden" ahora acuses a los demás de despreciar a los exmusulmanes.
Te he dicho un montón de veces que el camino para acabar con el extremismo islámico es no decir "todos son iguales" sino apoyar a los moderados y a su visión del Islam.
Decidete de una puta vez. O eres un racista-islamófobo que no quiere inmigrantes, o solo te molesta el islam o lo que te molesta son todas las religiones; pero no engañas a nadie acusando a no se sabe quién de despreciar a los ateos.
#3 Tú eres troll declarado, tu opinión no cuenta.
#8 Y tambien puedes comerme la polla un rato